Why are you able to make me laugh so much and make me smile like mad but then suddenly your such a knob and then the next thing you act like I've done something then the next you seem to really like me?! Why do you have to be so confusing!!!!???? Jeeeeze you seriously are just a girl on her period! I like talking to you and I miss you when we don't talk... I know I shouldn't because its you. Of all people. You.... But I do, I can't avoid it any more. Maybe I read too much into it but at times it seems like you miss me as much as I miss you? Is it all a game? An act? I don't even know why you talk to me tbh... I mean every other lass you could be talking to and you talk to me, of all people you talk to me... For hours, I look forward to our conversations, always have done. What am I suppose to do when you realise that I'm really a loser and you don't want to talk to me anymore? I don't want to loose you, our conversations or every single insult... But I'm sure you'll see soon enough that I'm a waste of your time... Or maybe you already have done and you just talk to me because you have nothing better to do?
Great. -.- now you've made me paranoid!

Smile

I can smile again! I can smile knowing that I dont have to think about how I like my best friend! My life is good... My friends are as amazing as ever, I'm living my life the way I want and Im happy. Its been a while since I've been able to say that I'm happy but there it is.... I'm happpppy! :D I don't want things to change and I defiantly don't want a boy in my life. I have the people I need with me, I don't need to have someone interfering   with that :D Smileee all daaaaaaaaaay :D :D :D

If it was meant to be, it would have happened by now after all this time... If things were meant to be fixed it would have been fixed by now... Im done trying to talk to you, Im done with you if your done with me. Im glad i have my friends who have been there for me through anything and you cant be my friend much less talk to me when one thing is said to you well fine you do that. When your ready to talk to me again I'll talk to you don't think I won't but im not about to keep fussing over you right now. Cheerio :D

Not too much?

Is it so wrong for me to want someone to call me beautiful? For someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay? Someone who isn't my friend to tell me they love me? If its not wrong for me to want this... why can't i have it? Why do i have to sit around and see everyone happy? Why do i have to see everything i want happen to everyone around me? Would someone just answer me?
Have you ever felt alone in a room full of people? I have... I do all the time and i think its about time to stop feeling alone when im surrounded by my friends! Its not much to ask really... I just want someone special, who can make me smile at nothing, who can trust me and most of all someone who actually wants to be with me... I don't think its too much to ask for so why can't I have it?!

trust...?!

Well that didn't go at all how I imagined the different outcomes.... So now you know the 'big' secret... happy? Cos I know im not. I took a risk to prove that i trust you and now look... you wont even talk to me... Im too stubborn to talk to you first and I can guess your not about to talk to me either.... I dont even know wht to do now... Before i told you i could pretend it wasn't real and tht it didnt matter, well now i have to face everything i have to wake up and realise that i might loose you. I didn't picture it happening like this, You were either suppose to tell me you felt the same or that you didn't feel the same but it didnt matter and we could still be friends.... but i guess thats not how its suppose to go is it? I wish it was but reality has hit me and I now wish i could take back last night and stop it all from coming out... If im going to loose you as one of my best friend I want to fight first, i want to try to make you stop leaving me, i want to fight for the friendship we had and i most of all want to fight for you. I trust you 100 percent and i always have done, telling you this hasn't proved to me that i trust you i already knew that, and now i don't even know if your my friend much less trust me. I dont care that were not together because your friendship has always meant more to me, so just because I want more doesn't mean it has to be more... I dont think i want to lose my friend over me wanting more so dont let it happen that way?

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Poems an tingss....

-My Lights On

My tummy's up in knots,

My pillow full of tear drops.

Not enough strength anymore

To just close the door

On you,

But this is what I knew.

I am my self 

When im with you, but im just on your shelf.

You make me smile

And feel good every once in a while,

But when I look,

When I look close, I see im just hung on a hook.

Locked somewhere deep inside you

Thats where I was threw.

You can play your game,

I'll just wait for your flame,

To see im here

And always been near.

Wait for you to see

I was here all along

And you were wrong.

I don't know

When your show

Is going to drop.

I can't stop,

My mind

From being blind

To what I've been shown

But I know in every bone.

Ill still hope

And hold onto the rope

That has found its way 

To you, bound you like clay.

Im affected by you more than

You think I am.

I'll keep my light on

Even when your gone.

-Heart Crying.

My heart pounds

And all sounds

Dissolve away

When I see your face each day.

My heart crys on a night

And I don't think I can win this fight

Raging inside me

I just want to flee.

My heart whispers 

Your name and each time it triggers

The sleeping hope

That you'll notice me, I can't cope.

My hearts always been waiting

For someone to stop the shaking

Within my every bone

It just needs a way to be shown.

My heart crumbles

And my foot steps become stumbles.

It turns to dust 

And I'm blown away in a gust.

My heart falls down

And I think I might drown.

The tears from my heart

Surrond me now and I can't find the start.

My heart is set on cry

I don't know what else to try.

I'll put on my show 

For you until I can find a new flow...

Here's the thing...

So i didn't tell you for fear of loosing you as a friend.... You like someone else fair do's i can cope with it, I didnt think i could at first, but now i realise i can. What i can't have is you just not talking to me. I cant cope with it! You won't talk to me because i know why someone wrote something but i wont tell you... She wrote that because i was in pain. But im not about to let you know that am i? So please don't put me through this i need you by my side even if were not together together i still need you... more than you think and more than i should, but i don't know how much longer i can hang on with you not talking to me... Dont take too long... </3 :'(

What am I suppose to do...

What can I do? I can't tell you because I know you don't like me in that way but I can't seem to stop wishing you were with me wherever I am... Doing nothing or walking I wish you were doing it all with me. But you can't because you can't see me that way and no matter how much I want you to tell me you feel something I know it won't happen and I guess I can't change it, I can't make you fall for me no matter how much I want you to. Your all I seem to think about, in lesson at home you even haunt my dreams... I can't stop it any more. I cant close the door on what I feel for you. I don't want to tell you because if you don't feel the same I won't feel your arms around me when you hug me, or see you smile at me like you do, I can't ruin what I have now with you even though I know I want more... With all of my heart I want more with you, but I can't make you so I'll just make the best of what I've got now with you. Just know I'll be here for you even if you don't see me... </3

What to do...

What do I do when I think I like you? When I've always just thought of you as just you but suddenly things change and your no long just you... Your more. I love you but what can I do about it? You make me smile and make me feel good but what if that's just you being a friend? What if I just got confused and thought you like me? What am I suppose to do!? I want to know what you feel and I want to know what would happen in the future... Would we still be friends? Would it be awkward? I just want to know!

What do I do

When I think I like you?

Should I tell him,

Or keep it locked in?

Things aren't making sense

And im stuck on this fence.

Nearly four years.

Will the fifth end in tears?

If I told you

What would you do?

Would you say you felt the same

Or fill me with pain?

Will I loose you,

As my friend or will you stay true?

No-one can solve

What problems I hold.

So I will lock it up.

Wish me luck...?

I just need to know! Why isn't anything simple? Why can't I read your mind?! Why am I so weak?...

I don't know what to do any more... and I'm stuck thinking about you hoping your thinking about me! Why can't it just happen! Why can't, if you do like me, tell me so I can tell you?! Maybe I should just tell you... Maybe I should take a risk... But is is too big of a risk to take? I know my friends will be there for me  whatever I chose to do but even with them all behind me all the way I still don't think I'm strong enough for the pain all this will cause... I wish I were stronger then I would be able to tell you without the panic of getting hurt. Maybe I should just do it... You only live once right?

Rain

Well I am not your typical teenage girl. I dont care if my hair is a mess and i dont really care about my makeup. But most of all I love the rain! People dont understand why I like the rain... Well it makes me smile and when i feel the rain on my face i can smile because that is one of the things that will make me smile for no reason. I forget about the coldness and bitterness of the rain and it becomes this beautiful weather that i wouldn't be able to stay inside for. I love thunder, lightening anything really tht is like rain :P well now you know about my random love of rain haha <3

Him

I miss him more than I say... Talking about him brings a lump to my throught and I find it hard to concentrate when I think. I know its been 2 weeks but that still doesn't get rid of the shock, shock that I wont see his name online ever again, shock thatt I knew it would happen but wasn't expecting it. I just can't seem to get my head around it :L I wish I could...

The BEAUTIFUL weather :D

Well i would say that today an yesterday the weather has been bum... but i've never really understood tht... :P
No this weather has been... BANGTIDY! well inlove with all this sun an stuff! I burn i tan, i tan it stays for a year.. s'all good :D Yesterday was so frickin gorgeous! Today wa ite.. Clouds got in the way tho -.- Chapman, Tasha an Stacey came over, played sum games and i got water thrown over me... (Y) funn day tbh!! <3<3<3

random thing :P

'I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I am nothing special; just common, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. ‘ <3

RIP... ILOVEYOU!

We went through quite a fair bit to say I only knew you for like 3 month :LL I loved you from way before I said. I never got chance to say it again before you passed... I wish I had, because now thats all I think about... How much I love you and you didn't even know :L Ill never forget you, no matter how much people tell me to let go... I wont. I shed a tear or two for you, and I don't care any more... iloveyou Jordan. I did before we went out and before you told me you loved me... If I'd had the courage to tell you before that... Would things have been any different? <3 Love youu!

Poems

I like writing poems... There's just something about it thaat when i write one i just feel so happy. I feel chuffed with my sen when I write one that i think is good and i feel even better when my friends say there good too :')

Well heres a few of my favourites so far....

-Final Goodbye

We had our time

We had our fun

It was never a crime

To say i loved you under the sun.

Yes, maybe you once cared

And i did too.

But with so little time shared

Maybe it was best you flew.

Futher down the line

Than i once thought

It was yours and mine

A lesson well taught.

So this is me saying 

I still love you

This is me saying

My final goodbye

-See me?

Your always there,

Whether in sight or not.

I dont know if you care

And maybe this is a long shot.

But throughout this all,

The pain, the smiles you never see

It makes me feel so small.

Do you even see me?

I look around

Hoping to see you there

I walk around

And think of the memories we share.

SO this is where

I explain all the above

And even though you wont care

I know im still in love.

-Before the End

Crashing through my dream

Reasling things aren't what they seem

Moving on forever

Not gunna' look back. Not never.

Time came and went

Since you were sent

Away, that caused pain

Which filled me with shame.

Im not weak.

Maybe a freak.

But you made me,

Just what I tried not to be.

I wont lie,

My feelings weren't shy.

But I'll tell you this,

I don't miss your kiss.

I miss the friend

I had before the end.

You changed when you went,

Without my consent.

Come back to before the end,

And be that friend.

I want the old you

The one before you flew.

Before the End

Thats where we belong.

-Months, Days, Years...

Counting down the days,

Until i see your face,

Time closing in all 

Around me, waiting for the call.

You came back here,

Maybe not as near

As i hoped for,

But i guess thats the score.

You changed when you left,

Maybe not lying or theft,

But you've lost that spark

The one that left a mark

On my thoughts.

I was never caught

After the break

And i can't help feeling, i made a mistake.

I wish you'd talk to me

Like you did when you were free,

Of all the things that hold

You back now, you seem so cold.

Month, days, years

Most spent in tears.

I wish you did too,

It would show you once loved me before you flew.

-For Good

The sun, trees , moon

They all come back, unlike you.

All the waiting

Was for nothing.

You've left for good

Never coming back like you should.

Ill miss you more

Now you closed the door,

For good.

Pain and loss

It hurts when someone leaves for good, it hurts more when the last memory you have isn't the version of that person you loved. You fall for the fun bubbly livley amaazing person and the last time you speak to them you get this cold person who isnt even the same... It hurts. :'(

Music is me !

I'm in love with music! I couldn't live a day without some form of music and I listen to literally any thing. I like things from Dubstep all the way up to the girliest things. I'm in love with every single Adele song and I don't even care that there all depressing... she's amaaazing! Taylor Swift is such an amaazing artist and I love every song I here from her. Kings Of Leon are too cool for words and I know all the words to most of their songs from both their albums... I'm just that cool :D . Mumford and Sons, Panic At The Disco, All Time Low and Boys Like Girls  are my newest selection of new music that I've grown to love... There is another side to me that has a soft spot for the likes of Danny Bond, Dubstep, Tom Zanetti and most dance beats, I hear any of these for the first time and I already love them.
I have my headphones in or music playing all day and if I could I would sleep with it on. Music I suppose you could say is my life. I'll listen to anything first before I make my decision :D !

Me..

Well I'm pretty much the type if girl who fantasises about the future and what I will do but at the moment im just your average teenager.... moody, always sleeping and texting... I spend half of my night on my laptop whether that be on msn or Facebook. I've resonantly come to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason, we have no control over what happens in the world and sometimes you can't even control your feelings... You can tell your self you don't like someone but you always know deep down your lying to your self, you can tell your self to stop but you know you wont... I learnt this and that was the moment I realised that stuff happens and you cant control it. I am so thankful to all my friends who are always there to catch me when I fall, and through out it all will always some how make me smile and forget for the time that everything is messed up.

Hey..

Heyy,
Well this is me. I am 15 years old and I live with my mum, dad and older brother, I have two older brothers but the eldest moved out last year... I don't mind I got his room :P.
My friends and family surround me and without them I would actually not survive one single day. I love them all!
If you saw me you'd most likely see me with my earphones in with a book in my hand in my own world, or with my friends being stupid and random. I love the rain so much it calms me! Music is my life and without fail I listen to it everyday, I love to read and could lose my self in any book.
Well this is just a small insight to who I am and for now thats all your gunna get! :P
Final thought;
If you had to choose between two paths, The Right: Where there's nothing left or The Left: Where theres nothing  right which would you choose?