If it was meant to be, it would have happened by now after all this time... If things were meant to be fixed it would have been fixed by now... Im done trying to talk to you, Im done with you if your done with me. Im glad i have my friends who have been there for me through anything and you cant be my friend much less talk to me when one thing is said to you well fine you do that. When your ready to talk to me again I'll talk to you don't think I won't but im not about to keep fussing over you right now. Cheerio :D

Not too much?

Is it so wrong for me to want someone to call me beautiful? For someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay? Someone who isn't my friend to tell me they love me? If its not wrong for me to want this... why can't i have it? Why do i have to sit around and see everyone happy? Why do i have to see everything i want happen to everyone around me? Would someone just answer me?
Have you ever felt alone in a room full of people? I have... I do all the time and i think its about time to stop feeling alone when im surrounded by my friends! Its not much to ask really... I just want someone special, who can make me smile at nothing, who can trust me and most of all someone who actually wants to be with me... I don't think its too much to ask for so why can't I have it?!

trust...?!

Well that didn't go at all how I imagined the different outcomes.... So now you know the 'big' secret... happy? Cos I know im not. I took a risk to prove that i trust you and now look... you wont even talk to me... Im too stubborn to talk to you first and I can guess your not about to talk to me either.... I dont even know wht to do now... Before i told you i could pretend it wasn't real and tht it didnt matter, well now i have to face everything i have to wake up and realise that i might loose you. I didn't picture it happening like this, You were either suppose to tell me you felt the same or that you didn't feel the same but it didnt matter and we could still be friends.... but i guess thats not how its suppose to go is it? I wish it was but reality has hit me and I now wish i could take back last night and stop it all from coming out... If im going to loose you as one of my best friend I want to fight first, i want to try to make you stop leaving me, i want to fight for the friendship we had and i most of all want to fight for you. I trust you 100 percent and i always have done, telling you this hasn't proved to me that i trust you i already knew that, and now i don't even know if your my friend much less trust me. I dont care that were not together because your friendship has always meant more to me, so just because I want more doesn't mean it has to be more... I dont think i want to lose my friend over me wanting more so dont let it happen that way?

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Poems an tingss....

-My Lights On

My tummy's up in knots,

My pillow full of tear drops.

Not enough strength anymore

To just close the door

On you,

But this is what I knew.

I am my self 

When im with you, but im just on your shelf.

You make me smile

And feel good every once in a while,

But when I look,

When I look close, I see im just hung on a hook.

Locked somewhere deep inside you

Thats where I was threw.

You can play your game,

I'll just wait for your flame,

To see im here

And always been near.

Wait for you to see

I was here all along

And you were wrong.

I don't know

When your show

Is going to drop.

I can't stop,

My mind

From being blind

To what I've been shown

But I know in every bone.

Ill still hope

And hold onto the rope

That has found its way 

To you, bound you like clay.

Im affected by you more than

You think I am.

I'll keep my light on

Even when your gone.

-Heart Crying.

My heart pounds

And all sounds

Dissolve away

When I see your face each day.

My heart crys on a night

And I don't think I can win this fight

Raging inside me

I just want to flee.

My heart whispers 

Your name and each time it triggers

The sleeping hope

That you'll notice me, I can't cope.

My hearts always been waiting

For someone to stop the shaking

Within my every bone

It just needs a way to be shown.

My heart crumbles

And my foot steps become stumbles.

It turns to dust 

And I'm blown away in a gust.

My heart falls down

And I think I might drown.

The tears from my heart

Surrond me now and I can't find the start.

My heart is set on cry

I don't know what else to try.

I'll put on my show 

For you until I can find a new flow...

Here's the thing...

So i didn't tell you for fear of loosing you as a friend.... You like someone else fair do's i can cope with it, I didnt think i could at first, but now i realise i can. What i can't have is you just not talking to me. I cant cope with it! You won't talk to me because i know why someone wrote something but i wont tell you... She wrote that because i was in pain. But im not about to let you know that am i? So please don't put me through this i need you by my side even if were not together together i still need you... more than you think and more than i should, but i don't know how much longer i can hang on with you not talking to me... Dont take too long... </3 :'(

What am I suppose to do...

What can I do? I can't tell you because I know you don't like me in that way but I can't seem to stop wishing you were with me wherever I am... Doing nothing or walking I wish you were doing it all with me. But you can't because you can't see me that way and no matter how much I want you to tell me you feel something I know it won't happen and I guess I can't change it, I can't make you fall for me no matter how much I want you to. Your all I seem to think about, in lesson at home you even haunt my dreams... I can't stop it any more. I cant close the door on what I feel for you. I don't want to tell you because if you don't feel the same I won't feel your arms around me when you hug me, or see you smile at me like you do, I can't ruin what I have now with you even though I know I want more... With all of my heart I want more with you, but I can't make you so I'll just make the best of what I've got now with you. Just know I'll be here for you even if you don't see me... </3

What to do...

What do I do when I think I like you? When I've always just thought of you as just you but suddenly things change and your no long just you... Your more. I love you but what can I do about it? You make me smile and make me feel good but what if that's just you being a friend? What if I just got confused and thought you like me? What am I suppose to do!? I want to know what you feel and I want to know what would happen in the future... Would we still be friends? Would it be awkward? I just want to know!

What do I do

When I think I like you?

Should I tell him,

Or keep it locked in?

Things aren't making sense

And im stuck on this fence.

Nearly four years.

Will the fifth end in tears?

If I told you

What would you do?

Would you say you felt the same

Or fill me with pain?

Will I loose you,

As my friend or will you stay true?

No-one can solve

What problems I hold.

So I will lock it up.

Wish me luck...?

I just need to know! Why isn't anything simple? Why can't I read your mind?! Why am I so weak?...

I don't know what to do any more... and I'm stuck thinking about you hoping your thinking about me! Why can't it just happen! Why can't, if you do like me, tell me so I can tell you?! Maybe I should just tell you... Maybe I should take a risk... But is is too big of a risk to take? I know my friends will be there for me  whatever I chose to do but even with them all behind me all the way I still don't think I'm strong enough for the pain all this will cause... I wish I were stronger then I would be able to tell you without the panic of getting hurt. Maybe I should just do it... You only live once right?

Rain

Well I am not your typical teenage girl. I dont care if my hair is a mess and i dont really care about my makeup. But most of all I love the rain! People dont understand why I like the rain... Well it makes me smile and when i feel the rain on my face i can smile because that is one of the things that will make me smile for no reason. I forget about the coldness and bitterness of the rain and it becomes this beautiful weather that i wouldn't be able to stay inside for. I love thunder, lightening anything really tht is like rain :P well now you know about my random love of rain haha <3